Saturday, 20 November 2010


My view on love:
When I was younger I thought I would fall in love, that it was only a matter of time,
that it would happen and when it did it would be the best thing in the world.
That all my problems would seem to disappear and we would do anything in the world just to see each other smile.
I thought love was all about doing anything in your power for the other person no matter what pain it cause you. That you would understand what ever the other person was going through and support them, that you would never try and change them. Make them into a better person so that you can tolerate them. That there are arguments every second day, over the smallest thing. When you walk out on each other because you cant stand to think the other person is right. That you feel as if you need to try and prove you have changed and that it is still never good enough. That's reality..
Being trapped and caught in the middle of everything all your life. That the world just seems to be against you and its just waiting for you to give in.
I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared of destroying what I have anymore.
Nothing seems to go right and I feel myself disintegrating each day.

Friday, 12 November 2010

alone again

Was my boyfriends birthday today, was had a shouting match yesterday, and tonight he left me, in the flat on my own breaking my heart. He said he cant deal with this anymore, the arguments over small things and he needed to breathe. I feel really anxious and unstable right now. I wont be able to sleep tonight. I dont know what to do.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Yesterday was my first day back on track and I'm ok.. not great but okayyy.
I need to buy myself some scales. I find smoking really helps actually.
My birthday soon (Sunday) :/ should be interesting. My mum will be flying back to the UK to see me. My boyfriends birthday is two days before mine too. I hope there wont be any fights but who am I kidding. My mum goes on to my boyfriend about how he ruined my life and she will never forgive him. While she can turn to me and say all I need now is a baby and that I live in a drug world, while I'm not even on drugs and I don't want a baby right now, I'm at college and I want to make something of myself.
Oh well I'm prepared for the worst.
Oh and another thing that's making me so upset.. Ive now got stretch marks, since Ive put on so much weight. :( I want them to go away! They are on my bum and thighs. Its awful.

Thanks for your comments :) made me smile yesterday.

I suppose see with not eating, the frame of mind, its always going to be there in the back of your mind. the guilty conscience of over eating.The struggle of hunger, but the comfort of pain. The support of people who see the world in a similar colour to you. And I miss it. I cant wait to be myself again! :)

Love x

Saturday, 6 November 2010


Hello all.
Just looking for any suggestions on how I can gain my willpower back
Anyone have ideas on how to start back to my previous diet after I have been over eating for months? Because I know if i dive straight into it I wont be able to last long. I need a slow introduction. If that makes any sense :P

Thanks, Panda x

Thursday, 4 November 2010


SO here's my explanation, so far..

I left home.. before I finished school..
My parents disowned me..
This is my story ..

I was at boarding school since I was 13. I hated it, I went through my highs and lows. Where my lows were getting worse and worse as you can probably tell from my previous posts, my parents turned a blind eye to the majority of these times. And I thought I cant take this anymore and I packed my bags and left this summer. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mum. Started college doing a beauty course, eventually now me and my boyfriend have got our own place.
And during all of this the fights between my family and boyfriend have got increasingly more challenging. Ive gained more weight than I ever thought I could.
And I need to pick up all the pieces and keep living.

So there I have shed a bit of light on my life and .. well I feel slightly scared of it. Well writing it here.
But I will carry on and keep riding out the storm.

Monday, 28 June 2010

So far today.. hot chocolate and one cup of soup... FAT FAT FAT FAT...
thats all I feel.. fat.

Thursday, 24 June 2010


I'm still here.. Missing the old me.. well miss the drugs and party.. now Ive got responsibilities.. and people keep seeming to be piling more on... Ive not got much to really say, sorry. Other than fruit only, next two weeks I need to cut back a lot. Then I'm homeeeee, summer is here at lassssst. Ive been movie binging instead of food binging.. I was nearly in tears again yesterday, I love the movie kidulthood, just reminds me of the old me, if you get me? ;) everything I wanted...

Friday, 18 June 2010


Ive been away camping the past few days, I'm in so much pain, my feet are fucked. blisters got infected. can barely walk. So i drank last night which probably didn't help at all, since I'm still a fucking idiot drunk.
So I was awake from 3 in the morning calling my mum, she didn't answer till about 6. I told her how much pain I was in, how I need a break from here, I just want to spend the weekend at 'boyfriends' just put my feet up till Monday, she was having none of it. Said if I 'run away' I can say goodbye to everything and not come back.
:( I just want one fucking weekend rest. She hung up on me, after I was shouting at her calling her names. I kind of lost the plot. Ended up lying on the floor crying my eyes out. Pulled 2 muscles in my legs too which doesn't help either.
'Boyfriend' even called my mum and said he was worried about me.
Why the fuck cant people just let things go, I don't see what the problem is.
I ate a piece of bread when I woke up this morning, fell asleep after fighting with my mum, and woke up at around 5 this evening and I'm still feeling shit..
Oh and I'm on 2 different antidepressants now..
Just had another 2 pieces of break and a hot chocolate... Really not good.

Much love.. :( x

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Fuck head

I'm alive.. still here.. fatter than ever..
exams are finally over, thank fuck.
failed them all tho, without a doubt.

Had another awful drunken episode last week. Probably one of the worst so far. I don't feel ready to talk about it yet.. its too... low and pathetic.
Spending weekend with boyfriend again soon. Need to pick myself up for it.
Not been taking my antidepressants recently either, didn't think taking a pill would be so much effort. But then again don't know whether I'm being lazy and have no motivation or its hysteresis of the mind. Fuck knows. Who cares...
either way I'm just a fuck head that is still struggling to make anything of herself.

You see, the thing is, you get beautiful people. Those who strive and never seem to fade. They are those people that are not just beautiful on the outside. But on the inside they do no wrong. Or the wrong they do, you would be a maniac to go against. The sort that will always be forgiven and will never make a single mistake that pushes them too far..
Then you get the people like me.. fuck heads. Those who just arnt..

Sorry, reason Ive not been writing.. I make no sense :S .. will carry on trying to find the words..
Other than that food is back on track as of exams being over.

Love Panda x

Sunday, 23 May 2010


First off im sorry for the last post.. Pathetic and embarrassing.. I guess its the real me showing through. Desperate. Week and selfish.... I broke down to people I shouldnt have again. I didnt even cut myself and I still want to.. I just cant stand myself.. Like hate everything.. Its mainly all anger tho.. Like I dont get upset anymore its just frustration. I cant even find the right words.. I cant even trust myself,its poisoning me slowly.. Its spreading.. through my veins and taking over everything.. Creeping up and hurting all the people I love and I cant stop it. The only way to get rid of it is to get rid of myself. And I know I probably dont even make sense and I seem like an utter freak.. But im just fucked... Just I dont want to hurt anymore :(

Saturday, 22 May 2010


im druhnk ... hurt and wna hurt myself... i hate evything .. fml... and why the fuck is everything so hard... i dont wna wake up 2mro

Friday, 21 May 2010

Old granny

Been a good day :)boring tho.. I'm really going to fail my exams, well do shit without a doubt. Iv done no work. Well I have but not enough.
My mind seems to be else where, but I'm not feeling anything if that makes sense..
And I swear since these antidepressants have had effect, Ive had nothing to write about.. Well no fierce emotions like I have felt before.. And I don't know if that's a good thing.. Its a bit boring to be honest. But at least I'm surviving! And no one is on my back for my eating!
Holiday coming up soon too.. I need to focus and try motivate myself even more so I don't mess up.
Just spent past hours looking at thinspo.. Literally hours.. repetitive clicking of a button.. But I guess that's better than repetitive chewing..
I'm living off liquids and fruit at the moment.. and no eating past 6. So far today Ive had a banana, 2 apples and an orange :)
I'm loving tea at the moment too.. my obsession for coffee seems to have faded which is quite odd... Jesus I feel like such a boring old fart... I'm talking about shit, or not talking at all.. What has happened to me!!? Sorry for the lack of personality lately :( Hope you are all keeping well!

Love always Panda x

Sunday, 16 May 2010


Fed up of fighting and trying my hardest for things that just don't seem to ever happen, or your never good enough.. How people want you to be theirs but they want to change everything about you! Its like why the fuck do you want me to begin with!
How out try so hard to please people and in the end they are never satisfied, So you just think what the fuck would happen if you didn't try to begin with.. Maybe people wouldn't expect so much, so you wouldn't be that much of a let down..
I'm tired of it.. Why try so hard.. =@ and I'm really struggling to find the motivation to lose weight as well.. No motivation to write .. No motivation for anything..

Monday, 10 May 2010

Normal day.

Spent weekend at boyfriends house, miss him already. Food wise it wasnt great but now im back and today was good. Not much new with me =/ bit boring..

Friday, 30 April 2010


Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Diving for hearts

He left me. But didnt. I havnt eaten all day. I cried. I feel alone.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010


Good day food wise. Feel like shit on the other hand, still.
got nothing to really say :( I feel so alone.
Im sorry.
I just want to cry.

Love Panda

Monday, 26 April 2010


Today has been a pretty good day. I'm feeling positive at the moment, even though life is still pretty shit. I'm probably going to fail all my summer exams. I'm fat. I miss my boyfriend and I think I love him more than he loves me. I cant bare to look at myself in the mirror just now. I can't seem to get any sleep and I'm exhausted.
And I'm sitting here fantasising about cupcakes =|... FuckMyLife..

But on the plus side .. aw fuck who am I kidding..
I'm just going to get on with it.
I was so close to binging today, but I resisted :)
I think If I can get over the initial days going from big eating to my normal routine I will be fine. The first 3 days are always the hardest.
I just seem to find my mind all tangled up with icing, sugar, and gorgeous sweetness.. Just when I'm bored.
Waiting on the 'boyfriend' to call or text or JUST SPEAK TO ME! :(

Ill just keep fantasising just now. :)

Today- 160 kcals

Friday, 23 April 2010

home again

I'm back, faithful again.. I promise.
I will be gorgeous for summer.
I feel positive about it this time.

Today- 140 cals
Current weight- 9 stone(58kg)

Looks arnt everything, but you cant wank over personality ;)

Love Panda x

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Lesson learnt

I never learn.. Me and alcohol were never a good pair. I dont quite know what it is but I lose all self-control and let all the truth pour out.

Saw my one of my ex's the other night, he poured his heart out telling me he loved me. Thank god it wasnt the ex I was in 'love' with. One of my previous friends, whom I had a past with, came onto me, while I was drunk. I know I wasnt happy, I didnt have sex with him. I cried told everyone I needed to go home because I needed to hurt myself. I was a total mess. Embarrassingly pathetic.
When I got home, I called my boyfriend who is on holiday in another country atm, crying my eyes out telling him yet again I just wanted to die. Told my parents alot of my worries too. Then I never got out of bed the next day. Because I couldnt face the world. I think I freaked out because I felt myself slipping back, back to the drugs, alcohol, sex and it scared me. Drink is the main thing I cannot say no to.
Thought my boyfriend was going to leave me, after he told me he couldnt deal with any of this. I spoke to him on the phone for hours and sorted things out. I think im lucky this time and things are going to fall appart if I dont pull myself together.
I hate being the embarrassing, ugly person who cant control themselves.
No more of this.

Friday, 2 April 2010


Today hasnt been bad, eating wise, havnt done much else though.
Just catching up with my tan on the beach.
Not in a great mood. First off Ive not actually heard from 'boyfriend' in a while and im the one always txting him first and only get short replies :( maybe he just needs space. Got ditched by my supposed best guy friend for his girlfriend, whom I strongly dislike. Ughh fuck everyone.

Creme eggs, hot chocolate, mars bars, ahhh. I just keep reminding myself, tanned, thin, tonned body :)
Once I look good everything else will just fall into place. Right... Hopefully.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

No easter eggs!

Sorry ive not posted in a while, been at home.
Im bored, not left the house in days and ive been eating so much.
Weighed myself today, 55 kilos. Not as bad as I thought, but still need to get back on track. The hoiday is now over, well my food holiday.
I need to start writing down everything I eat again. It seems to really help me.

Appart from that, my ex has been speaking to me, and I know I shouldnt answer. I promised my boyfriend I wouldnt, but I cant seem to help it. Its not that I miss him, or want him back. Even tho he says he still 'loves' me. Ive moved on. I just seem to like to know how he is, and want answers to things. And I shouldnt. And I know I shouldnt break my boyfriends trust, he doesnt deserve to be hurt, he doesnt trust people easily and if I break it, thats it, gone for good. I shouldnt risk that.
But im not really doing anything wrong? Its just talking??

Past week Ive been noticing the fat creeping back on me. especially my legs.
Not acceptable. And I always do this!!
I fuck up, get back on track, do well. Then fuck up again!
Cleary I am not trying hard enough and need to stop being weak.
Rest of the holiday I will be good. No slip ups.
NO easter eggs, just coffee. :)

xx Love Panda

Monday, 22 March 2010


Holidays soon. three weeks a home. Not looking forward to it one bit.
I'm actually dreading it. I'm going to stay at home and avoid everyone.
I need to revise for my exams. Parents will be trying to control everything as well, which I can't deal with.

I seem to be so tired these days, probably the antidepressants. Today I have been good so far, I will not be fat.

Spoke to one of my old, close friends and as horrible as it sounds it reminded me of how much I want to leave the past behind. I don't want to go home because I don't want to see any of them. But I suppose it will all come to an end one day. When I can make decisions myself. I would have thought by now I could have but...

Spain maybe... Italy, nice warm weather.. New people, a new start.

Sunday, 21 March 2010


Disconnecting myself from the world.

I got up this morning and felt okay..
Had a cappuccino, some cereal.
Started to feel a bit panicked about things so, I missed my lecture, which I will be in trouble for. Called my dad, who didn't really help... So then I spoke to my boyfriend which made matters worse because I don't know what to tell him is wrong with me. So he is annoyed with me and told me to text him when I'm going to stop shutting him out. My mum then called and broke the news that my teachers contacted her, saying that I'm not on top of things, so that was another row on the phone.
I might just go back to bed. No motivation to work, or do anything with my life.
I'm going to try and do a liquid fast starting tomorrow.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

The point?

Fuck everything.

My ex got in touch with me, after me ignoring his emails for months. We spoke. My ex, that I was seeing for 3 years. My ex that I wanted to spend my life with. My junky ex, that had a baby before he was with me. My pathetic ex that called me a slut, and said he was scared I would kill myself if he left me.
My charming ex wants me back.
I said no. I told him I didn't love him anymore.
I can't help but think in the back of my mind, 'what if'.
So many questions. Why did he leave me? What if we were still together? How has he been without me??
Should I still love him?

I binged yesterday, and the day before. I wanted to spend this weekend with my current boyfriend, whom I do love with all my heart. But That fucked up..
So I'm about to binge today, about to go get a snickers, to comfort eat and I feel disgusting already...
I caught sight of my legs in the mirror and I cant believe they are actually mine.
Short, thick, wobbly stumps.
And the sad thing is, right now I feel like there's no fucking point in stopping myself eating, I'm always going to stay the same, I'm pathetic...

Thursday, 18 March 2010


Apparently I live in a fairytale,....
according to my boyfriend, my parents, my sister, friends and the rest of the world.
Who all seem to think I imagine all of these fabulous events going on around me and all these obstacles to cross, but none of them are good let alone real.
They go on at me, about why I can't just stop, just be grateful with what I have and make the most of myself.
I am trying. I'm trying to fix all the little things, one step at a time.
I know there are problems, they are there.
I feel disgusting, like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. Ive not lost anymore weight.
I have no idea who I am right now so how the fuck am I meant to know who I want to be in the future.

- far too much cereal, 4 apples.
took laxatives and fiber tablets.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Carry on

I stayed at his. He loved me. He held my hand. We fell asleep. He never let go.
I was normal..

Too normal.
Now we are apart I realised just how I was letting myself slip into lack of control.
Weight has to be lost.
I'm on antidepressants now, hope they go well.
My stomach is disgusting from all the food Ive been eating, I don't even want to think about it. But as of tomorrow, its on, no more being a push over and giving in.
My house is an utter mess which makes me feel even more out of control.

Today Ive had far too much cereal, not good at all. I hate holidays, they arnt supposed to be called holidays, things shouldn't all relax! 8)
But it was really strange I got back after the weekend, weighed myself straight away, was 53 kilos, no where near as bad as I thought it would be, but nowhere near good enough.

I will make it, eventually.

Thursday, 11 March 2010


Do you ever get what you want, then realise you don't want it anymore?

Monday, 8 March 2010

I don't know.

I am officially not looking forward to this weekend. I'm so stressed, my boyfriend wants me to stay over and my parents are going crazy at the idea, reminding me boys can't get pregnant but I can.

I have no idea what to do..
I wish everything was simple.
I need a flawless plan. Otherwise I'm just going to stick my ground and tell them I'm going and that's that!
Or I could just back down and be stuck alone.. Hmm.

Doctors again on soon, hopefully this one will be better.
Ive not been good the past few days, major binging and i need to pull my act together if I'm going to see him this weekend. Fuckfuckfuck, I really can't deal with this.
My parents treating me like a child, it is so embarrassing. grr..
If I stayed at his there would be 'rules' my parents would 'enforce', basically no sex, physical contact or being alone together.
They know I'm not a sweet, innocent little virgin. Fuck knows why they are still trying. Fuck sake tho, I'm old enough. I wish they would JUST GIVE UP, I'm not going to listen.
My mum likes to think that she knows best and they control every little bit of my life. I don't even live with them. I can't stand them.
Sadly though, my boyfriend thinks that I should be nice and listen to them and maybe they will listen to me. Which I know is NOT going to happen, I never win.

I can't seem to have a conversation with her anymore, it ends with name calling, me hanging up the phone. Our calls consist of threats, screaming, verbal abuse and yet more screaming. I don't know whats best, cause I can't seem to bite my tongue and take it, and yet I still don't do what I want.

I really want to get a new piercing or a tattoo. I have my nipples done and I used to have others but I took them out due to my pathetic parents having an OMG!MYDAUGHTER'SEVIL hissy fits. Boyfriend doesn't like piercings :(.
I don't know why I always do what other people want, I think its cause I'm scared, and I don't want to upset them :(.
I don't know what to doooo :( I'm panicking, want someone to just tell me what to do, cause I'm stressing and I'll end up fucking everything up.

Maybe I should just spend the weekend alone :(

Todays intake

Friday, 5 March 2010


Don't know why I fucking bother!
I'm so angry with everything! =@
hate my parents. HATE myself. hate everyone else.

Went to the doctor today, fucking idiots, honestly! I was waiting for months to get help for my anxiety and depression and they basically tell me to wait another few weeks for another appointment with someone else =@
I want to cry and scream, and cry till i don't have the energy anymore.
Why the FUCK is everything so shit all the time, why can't it just be good for once!
And to make it even better Ive just run out of money on my phone, can't put more on, can't talk to my boyfriend.
My stupid parents fault, for sending me away, means I can't see him, they are the reason I feel the way I do and then they go and make me feel bad about not coping with things. =@ :'(

Ive lost the weight I put on, I'm back to 53 kilos and I feel even worse. I'm disgusting and I can't stand this. I'm so angry and I can't help but cry. I don't know what to do.
I want to run away from everything. I cant even find the words to explain what I feel.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

My List.

* I want to get as far away from here as possible
* To be with the love of my life
* I want to get rid of the past
* Shut out all the bad people
* I want to get rid of the past
* To stop the pain
* I want to be a new person
* To make people love me
* I want to be thin.

I'm running and running, trying to reach the end.
I'm not even close.
Everyone is passing me. I'm falling behind.
Too behind to salvage any chance of winning.

Sunday, 28 February 2010


Lazy day. Nothing exciting.
I had been fasting since Thursday. Broke it today with fruit.
I should exercise more.
Need motivation.

I miss my boyfriend :( soo much. Can't stand my parents at the moment either, I can't have a normal conversation with them without turning it into an argument.

I hate the way they think they are in control of everything. That I can't go to something or do anything without their permission. And it is true, because I am where I am, and that was their decision. I had asked them just for one weekend out of here to see him. He wanted me there for something important. My parents treat me like a child! That I can't go in case something happens, in case I can't handle drink per usual. In case I end up knocked up 8( that they neeeed to know everything!

*Grrrrr!* They would wrap me up in cotton wool if they could and have me never leave the house. Daddy's little angel.. yehfuckingright! Then when I need someone they are never there. They watch me suffer and tell me its my own fault and I turn everything good, to pure evil.

*deep breath*

I'm not going to see my boyfriend for months because of them :(
Fed up of the rainy days and being alone.

Need something to keep me busy. And a way to speed up losing these horrible wobbly legs. I want to look amazing for when he next sees me :) no love handles, flabby arms or thick thighs.

today- 500 calories

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Same old tune.

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to

I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lonely Girl- Pink

Yet another day of the same emotions. Bored of the same feeling.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010


"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."
Marilyn Monroe.

I will make it, I just need to figure out who I am first.

One minute I feel like I've got the whole world sorted and that there is always hope, that everything will be more than perfect in the end.
The next minute I'm fighting to stop myself from running, hiding, just wanting an escape from everything, but more so an escape from myself.

But I realised, I can't fix things, I can't fix the fact I will never forget the past, I can't run away from it. I cant fight it. I can only change myself, and I will be someone else because I want to be the happy girl, I want to be the girl that everyone loves, the one everyone remembers. I want to be beautiful.

No more mistakes. First step, getting thin, If I want to figure out, or create the path of who I want to be, I've decided I will be thin, and very pretty =p . Then next step, getting out of here. New place, control over my own life. Then we will see :)

I get so jealous. Feels as if I'm someone else looking down at myself at the moment, disappointed and disgusted with the lack of control and willpower displayed through appearance. Grayness, dull, ugly. But it's not really me. Well I'm better than this. I will shine, even when everyone else is gray.

I want to be addictive, intense, magnifying. I want to absorb attention, capturing people, drawing them into a comatosed state of euphoria. I'll make your heart jump like it was on cocaine. I will be beautiful.

Today's intake- 119.

Monday, 22 February 2010


Holidays, home for the past nine days. Good or bad?

firstly- im fat, big time fat... Gained the 4 kilos back that I worked so hard to lose.
Secondly- Routine went out the window, no scales, no internet. Ahh i was a maniac the first night I was home and realised the situation. I survived, no cutting, but i pigged out :(

I was normal for the whole holiday. I would say that I tried my hardest to resist, but that would be a lie. I was greedy and gave in to most my weeknesses. I just felt like another person :(.

But I saw my boyfriend :) nearly everyday. I love him, he just makes everything feel right. He loves me no matter what. I just feel like I can trust him with anything, he means everything to me and I hope its going to last forever. And I hate that too because it makes me feel like its okay to let everything relax and just thats when I feel fuck it, I can eat and everything is going to be okay.

Routine is now back.

I can't believe I let him see me gaining weight, watched me eat junk, disgusting.

But im okay, well I think I am, I cant just sit feeling bad about it, I have to fix it. So the plan is, Ive got 3 days to reduce eating, then im down to around 500-800(max) kcals a day, back exercising. I am staying faithful to my blog :). No relaxing. I can't afford it, Ive got all I put on to lose again +. Im going to write a list of rules, I feel like I need rules that apply to everything, no matter what, otherwise I just think its okay, just a holiday, and its just not acceptable, I look and feel disgusting.

I wont be home for over a month so thats good, I just hate being away from some of it too :(
Going to keep my mind busy with homework, trueblood and skins :P

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

* "All phenomena are empty."- Bodhidharma- "To have a body is to suffer."

Feel a bit blank today.
Empty canvas and no idea what to paint, yet alone where to start.

I'm Just going to welcome the feeling.

Sorted things out with my boyfriend yesterday. I tried my hardest to try and convince him, and put across all the reasons why we shouldn't be together :(
*I don't even understand myself at times*
He told me to shut up..
That he knows I'm a 'mess' but 'we' can get through it together.. That he loves me..
No matter what.

Confused about everything.

* Get your head straight.
* Stop pigging out on carbs!
* Sleep, (think I'm turning into an insomniac).
* Panic about seeing the doctor tomorrow.

Went swimming today in school, was petrified someone would say something about the marks on my arm. But no one did :). Sense of relief.

* "Art is the elimination of the unnecessary." - Pablo Picasso. *

Monday, 8 February 2010


* feel sick.

Hate everything, why am I always such a fucking idiot. I want someone to hit me till I'm black and blue.

I know I shouldn't drink.
When I drink I talk. When I talk I say everything, pour my heart out. Cut myself.
People talk and go behind your back and theres nothing you can do to fix it.
Feel disgusting and embarrassed.

Told my boyfriend on the phone last night that I thought it was my time, I just want to die.
He begged me not to do anything stupid.

I want to breakup with him because I love him, and he deserves so much better. If that makes sense..
I had to go out for dinner last night, ate 2 pieces of chicken smothered in jackdaniels sauce.. Not a good idea after drinking. I didn't even like it that much.
I just sat there and tried to eat as much as I could, I just wanted to look and feel normal.
DISGUSTING fat bitch.
I got up to leave and threw up:( in front of everyone :'( ..
I just want to stay in bed all day and hide from the world.
I want to stop speaking.
I just want to just be alone :'(

I don't want to be myself anymore. Don't want to breathe.
After telling my 'boyfriend' that I couldn't do this anymore and cried down the phone asking for him to just tell me what to do, how to end it. FuckFuckFuck I was so drunk. And thing is he is so supportive and I'm so selfish.. One of his friends killed themselves last year and theres me being so fucking inconsiderate.. I think I made him really upset. I txt him this morning saying sorry, and he was still so kind to me.
So last night after the call ended, I lay holding my breath for as long as I could. Cried. Cut.

I have to see the doctor on Wednesday, I want to ask for some antidepressants. I don't know if that's good or bad, because I don't think I deserve to feel okay. I just don't want to embarrass and hurt people anymore. They are better off without me. I'm not about to go and kill myself because that would hurt them even more and I couldn't do that.. Not to the guy I love.. I just couldn't.

Just want to scream as loud as I can, want to scream and cry till I can't find the energy anymore.

Weighed myself this morning, 51 kilos, 112.4 lbs.. Nearly blacked out in the shower.. had to sit down for a few minutes to adjust.

I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore, other that I hate myself.


Friday, 5 February 2010

Just another day

"Their MASSIVE bodies look diseased, half alive, half dead.
Skin erupting in places as i Cracking..
Under the strain of having to contain SO much
So much anxiety."

Do you ever want to sit in a dark house, alone.
No one to find you and no single person to tell you what to do, what to be like.
Just sit and cry all the world away.

I'm struggling to stay okay today..
Just don't really see the point in much anymore.

The difficult thing is there is nothing, and i mean NOTHING, i can do .. about anything.
The school nurse wants me to see the doctor again next week, to help with my anxiety and depression apparently.. Not like it helps, Ive been waiting for months for counselling.
And not that anyone actually takes into account how you feel until you do something like cut yourself, and then they tell you its 'stupid' and talk to someone when you feel down.
I feel down because of stupid people treating me like a child!! grrrr..
Hate guys, hate school, parents, rules.. I want to be in charge of my OWN life and deal with my own choices on my OWNNNN, thank you very much!!

I just want to move away, forget the past, forget most the people in my life.
Can't stand peoples voices, just going on and on, louder and louder.
Feels like someones smacking my head off a brick wall and I can't make them stop.
I feel really hopeless,alone and irritated today, no control :(

But on a plus side: 313 intake.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

My attempt.

Hi,... I'm going to try and sum myself up,.. No lies, arrogance, bullshit, judgement, or secrets, well *oops* there's my first mistake, my one and only, one secret, my name, but you can call me Panda ;).

I don't really know where to start, because 1- I can talk for the world, and never shut up. 2- Its like broken glass.. but the pieces are so small, you don't know what piece to pick up first to fix it all back together. But I guess, some things just don't fix. The sharp, little, glowing pieces just cut your hands as you try to restore the millions of tears into the beauty and innocence it once was.

When you would give anything to be anyone, but yourself. Lies once told, past that cant be forgotten, pain and hatred that words can't seem to describe. When you would do anything, just to feel okay. Your not asking for the world to be perfect, you just want to feel okay.. When you can't say what the problem is that makes you feel this way, because there is not just one problem. But thing is... It's you. You are it,... the problem.

Food, wow.. *haha*... Honestly, the last thing you should be thinking about right now is stuffing your face. The fat weighs you down, makes people feel sick, even makes you feel sick when you see the outcome of shovelling all that shit into your mouth, on your legs. Do you feel better at night, cuddling up into your bed, knowing you didn't need that extra bit of lard weighing you down, piling on the guilt. Throwing it up, yeah its better than leaving it congealing in your greedy pit, but you would have been a far stronger person if you didn't eat it in the first place.

This is how I feel most days, this is the way MY mind works. Yes, I am aware that some people do not understand, yet alone agree with this concept. But may I point out, I did not choose to feel this way, but I feel it everyday with every inch of my thoughts and body. So...

I am going to do something about it =] ... Time to be the person I want to be,.. The person I think deserves the best, someone beautiful, strong and memorable. I want to be thin, I want to be fragile, petite, I want to get rid of the poison and badness, the food burning through my insides. I will get there.. I will,... I have to. And if your reading this and feel anything close to the way I do, fight the blackness, don't let it engulf and suffocate you. The greed and selfishness is like a plastic bag spreading through your lungs, up your neck, till you can no longer fight for air. No food, no poison, no evil spreading through your veins, no suffocation.

I realised the world is too hard, you can't get through it alone. So I'm going to get through it with being thin and hopefully there are people that understand, and can be my fuel instead. =]

Love Panda <3


What demon are you?...

Gluttony is not attractive ;]