Tuesday, 23 February 2010
"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."
— Marilyn Monroe.
I will make it, I just need to figure out who I am first.
One minute I feel like I've got the whole world sorted and that there is always hope, that everything will be more than perfect in the end.
The next minute I'm fighting to stop myself from running, hiding, just wanting an escape from everything, but more so an escape from myself.
But I realised, I can't fix things, I can't fix the fact I will never forget the past, I can't run away from it. I cant fight it. I can only change myself, and I will be someone else because I want to be the happy girl, I want to be the girl that everyone loves, the one everyone remembers. I want to be beautiful.
No more mistakes. First step, getting thin, If I want to figure out, or create the path of who I want to be, I've decided I will be thin, and very pretty =p . Then next step, getting out of here. New place, control over my own life. Then we will see :)
I get so jealous. Feels as if I'm someone else looking down at myself at the moment, disappointed and disgusted with the lack of control and willpower displayed through appearance. Grayness, dull, ugly. But it's not really me. Well I'm better than this. I will shine, even when everyone else is gray.
I want to be addictive, intense, magnifying. I want to absorb attention, capturing people, drawing them into a comatosed state of euphoria. I'll make your heart jump like it was on cocaine. I will be beautiful.
Today's intake- 119.