Sunday, 28 February 2010
Lazy day. Nothing exciting.
I had been fasting since Thursday. Broke it today with fruit.
I should exercise more.
I miss my boyfriend :( soo much. Can't stand my parents at the moment either, I can't have a normal conversation with them without turning it into an argument.
I hate the way they think they are in control of everything. That I can't go to something or do anything without their permission. And it is true, because I am where I am, and that was their decision. I had asked them just for one weekend out of here to see him. He wanted me there for something important. My parents treat me like a child! That I can't go in case something happens, in case I can't handle drink per usual. In case I end up knocked up 8( that they neeeed to know everything!
*Grrrrr!* They would wrap me up in cotton wool if they could and have me never leave the house. Daddy's little angel.. yehfuckingright! Then when I need someone they are never there. They watch me suffer and tell me its my own fault and I turn everything good, to pure evil.
I'm not going to see my boyfriend for months because of them :(
Fed up of the rainy days and being alone.
Need something to keep me busy. And a way to speed up losing these horrible wobbly legs. I want to look amazing for when he next sees me :) no love handles, flabby arms or thick thighs.
today- 500 calories
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to
I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem
Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lonely Girl- Pink
Yet another day of the same emotions. Bored of the same feeling.
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."
— Marilyn Monroe.
I will make it, I just need to figure out who I am first.
One minute I feel like I've got the whole world sorted and that there is always hope, that everything will be more than perfect in the end.
The next minute I'm fighting to stop myself from running, hiding, just wanting an escape from everything, but more so an escape from myself.
But I realised, I can't fix things, I can't fix the fact I will never forget the past, I can't run away from it. I cant fight it. I can only change myself, and I will be someone else because I want to be the happy girl, I want to be the girl that everyone loves, the one everyone remembers. I want to be beautiful.
No more mistakes. First step, getting thin, If I want to figure out, or create the path of who I want to be, I've decided I will be thin, and very pretty =p . Then next step, getting out of here. New place, control over my own life. Then we will see :)
I get so jealous. Feels as if I'm someone else looking down at myself at the moment, disappointed and disgusted with the lack of control and willpower displayed through appearance. Grayness, dull, ugly. But it's not really me. Well I'm better than this. I will shine, even when everyone else is gray.
I want to be addictive, intense, magnifying. I want to absorb attention, capturing people, drawing them into a comatosed state of euphoria. I'll make your heart jump like it was on cocaine. I will be beautiful.
Today's intake- 119.
Monday, 22 February 2010
Holidays, home for the past nine days. Good or bad?
firstly- im fat, big time fat... Gained the 4 kilos back that I worked so hard to lose.
Secondly- Routine went out the window, no scales, no internet. Ahh i was a maniac the first night I was home and realised the situation. I survived, no cutting, but i pigged out :(
I was normal for the whole holiday. I would say that I tried my hardest to resist, but that would be a lie. I was greedy and gave in to most my weeknesses. I just felt like another person :(.
But I saw my boyfriend :) nearly everyday. I love him, he just makes everything feel right. He loves me no matter what. I just feel like I can trust him with anything, he means everything to me and I hope its going to last forever. And I hate that too because it makes me feel like its okay to let everything relax and just thats when I feel fuck it, I can eat and everything is going to be okay.
Routine is now back.
I can't believe I let him see me gaining weight, watched me eat junk, disgusting.
But im okay, well I think I am, I cant just sit feeling bad about it, I have to fix it. So the plan is, Ive got 3 days to reduce eating, then im down to around 500-800(max) kcals a day, back exercising. I am staying faithful to my blog :). No relaxing. I can't afford it, Ive got all I put on to lose again +. Im going to write a list of rules, I feel like I need rules that apply to everything, no matter what, otherwise I just think its okay, just a holiday, and its just not acceptable, I look and feel disgusting.
I wont be home for over a month so thats good, I just hate being away from some of it too :(
Going to keep my mind busy with homework, trueblood and skins :P
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
* "All phenomena are empty."- Bodhidharma- "To have a body is to suffer."
Feel a bit blank today.
Empty canvas and no idea what to paint, yet alone where to start.
I'm Just going to welcome the feeling.
Sorted things out with my boyfriend yesterday. I tried my hardest to try and convince him, and put across all the reasons why we shouldn't be together :(
*I don't even understand myself at times*
He told me to shut up..
That he knows I'm a 'mess' but 'we' can get through it together.. That he loves me..
No matter what.
Confused about everything.
NOTE TO SELF:
* Get your head straight.
* Stop pigging out on carbs!
* Sleep, (think I'm turning into an insomniac).
* Panic about seeing the doctor tomorrow.
Went swimming today in school, was petrified someone would say something about the marks on my arm. But no one did :). Sense of relief.
* "Art is the elimination of the unnecessary." - Pablo Picasso. *
Monday, 8 February 2010
* feel sick. *
Hate everything, why am I always such a fucking idiot. I want someone to hit me till I'm black and blue.
I know I shouldn't drink.
When I drink I talk. When I talk I say everything, pour my heart out. Cut myself.
People talk and go behind your back and theres nothing you can do to fix it.
Feel disgusting and embarrassed.
Told my boyfriend on the phone last night that I thought it was my time, I just want to die.
He begged me not to do anything stupid.
I want to breakup with him because I love him, and he deserves so much better. If that makes sense..
I had to go out for dinner last night, ate 2 pieces of chicken smothered in jackdaniels sauce.. Not a good idea after drinking. I didn't even like it that much.
I just sat there and tried to eat as much as I could, I just wanted to look and feel normal.
DISGUSTING fat bitch.
I got up to leave and threw up:( in front of everyone :'( ..
I just want to stay in bed all day and hide from the world.
I want to stop speaking.
I just want to just be alone :'(
I don't want to be myself anymore. Don't want to breathe.
After telling my 'boyfriend' that I couldn't do this anymore and cried down the phone asking for him to just tell me what to do, how to end it. FuckFuckFuck I was so drunk. And thing is he is so supportive and I'm so selfish.. One of his friends killed themselves last year and theres me being so fucking inconsiderate.. I think I made him really upset. I txt him this morning saying sorry, and he was still so kind to me.
So last night after the call ended, I lay holding my breath for as long as I could. Cried. Cut.
I have to see the doctor on Wednesday, I want to ask for some antidepressants. I don't know if that's good or bad, because I don't think I deserve to feel okay. I just don't want to embarrass and hurt people anymore. They are better off without me. I'm not about to go and kill myself because that would hurt them even more and I couldn't do that.. Not to the guy I love.. I just couldn't.
Just want to scream as loud as I can, want to scream and cry till I can't find the energy anymore.
Weighed myself this morning, 51 kilos, 112.4 lbs.. Nearly blacked out in the shower.. had to sit down for a few minutes to adjust.
I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore, other that I hate myself.
Friday, 5 February 2010
"Their MASSIVE bodies look diseased, half alive, half dead.
Skin erupting in places as i Cracking..
Under the strain of having to contain SO much
So much anxiety."
Do you ever want to sit in a dark house, alone.
No one to find you and no single person to tell you what to do, what to be like.
Just sit and cry all the world away.
I'm struggling to stay okay today..
Just don't really see the point in much anymore.
The difficult thing is there is nothing, and i mean NOTHING, i can do .. about anything.
The school nurse wants me to see the doctor again next week, to help with my anxiety and depression apparently.. Not like it helps, Ive been waiting for months for counselling.
And not that anyone actually takes into account how you feel until you do something like cut yourself, and then they tell you its 'stupid' and talk to someone when you feel down.
I feel down because of stupid people treating me like a child!! grrrr..
Hate guys, hate school, parents, rules.. I want to be in charge of my OWN life and deal with my own choices on my OWNNNN, thank you very much!!
I just want to move away, forget the past, forget most the people in my life.
Can't stand peoples voices, just going on and on, louder and louder.
Feels like someones smacking my head off a brick wall and I can't make them stop.
I feel really hopeless,alone and irritated today, no control :(
But on a plus side: 313 intake.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Hi,... I'm going to try and sum myself up,.. No lies, arrogance, bullshit, judgement, or secrets, well *oops* there's my first mistake, my one and only, one secret, my name, but you can call me Panda ;).
I don't really know where to start, because 1- I can talk for the world, and never shut up. 2- Its like broken glass.. but the pieces are so small, you don't know what piece to pick up first to fix it all back together. But I guess, some things just don't fix. The sharp, little, glowing pieces just cut your hands as you try to restore the millions of tears into the beauty and innocence it once was.
When you would give anything to be anyone, but yourself. Lies once told, past that cant be forgotten, pain and hatred that words can't seem to describe. When you would do anything, just to feel okay. Your not asking for the world to be perfect, you just want to feel okay.. When you can't say what the problem is that makes you feel this way, because there is not just one problem. But thing is... It's you. You are it,... the problem.
Food, wow.. *haha*... Honestly, the last thing you should be thinking about right now is stuffing your face. The fat weighs you down, makes people feel sick, even makes you feel sick when you see the outcome of shovelling all that shit into your mouth, on your legs. Do you feel better at night, cuddling up into your bed, knowing you didn't need that extra bit of lard weighing you down, piling on the guilt. Throwing it up, yeah its better than leaving it congealing in your greedy pit, but you would have been a far stronger person if you didn't eat it in the first place.
This is how I feel most days, this is the way MY mind works. Yes, I am aware that some people do not understand, yet alone agree with this concept. But may I point out, I did not choose to feel this way, but I feel it everyday with every inch of my thoughts and body. So...
I am going to do something about it =] ... Time to be the person I want to be,.. The person I think deserves the best, someone beautiful, strong and memorable. I want to be thin, I want to be fragile, petite, I want to get rid of the poison and badness, the food burning through my insides. I will get there.. I will,... I have to. And if your reading this and feel anything close to the way I do, fight the blackness, don't let it engulf and suffocate you. The greed and selfishness is like a plastic bag spreading through your lungs, up your neck, till you can no longer fight for air. No food, no poison, no evil spreading through your veins, no suffocation.
I realised the world is too hard, you can't get through it alone. So I'm going to get through it with being thin and hopefully there are people that understand, and can be my fuel instead. =]
Love Panda <3
What demon are you?...
Gluttony is not attractive ;]