Monday, 22 February 2010
Holidays, home for the past nine days. Good or bad?
firstly- im fat, big time fat... Gained the 4 kilos back that I worked so hard to lose.
Secondly- Routine went out the window, no scales, no internet. Ahh i was a maniac the first night I was home and realised the situation. I survived, no cutting, but i pigged out :(
I was normal for the whole holiday. I would say that I tried my hardest to resist, but that would be a lie. I was greedy and gave in to most my weeknesses. I just felt like another person :(.
But I saw my boyfriend :) nearly everyday. I love him, he just makes everything feel right. He loves me no matter what. I just feel like I can trust him with anything, he means everything to me and I hope its going to last forever. And I hate that too because it makes me feel like its okay to let everything relax and just thats when I feel fuck it, I can eat and everything is going to be okay.
Routine is now back.
I can't believe I let him see me gaining weight, watched me eat junk, disgusting.
But im okay, well I think I am, I cant just sit feeling bad about it, I have to fix it. So the plan is, Ive got 3 days to reduce eating, then im down to around 500-800(max) kcals a day, back exercising. I am staying faithful to my blog :). No relaxing. I can't afford it, Ive got all I put on to lose again +. Im going to write a list of rules, I feel like I need rules that apply to everything, no matter what, otherwise I just think its okay, just a holiday, and its just not acceptable, I look and feel disgusting.
I wont be home for over a month so thats good, I just hate being away from some of it too :(
Going to keep my mind busy with homework, trueblood and skins :P