Wow..

fuck.

He left me. But didnt. I havnt eaten all day. I cried. I feel alone.

Good day food wise. Feel like shit on the other hand, still.
got nothing to really say :( I feel so alone.
Im sorry.
I just want to cry.

Love Panda

Today has been a pretty good day. I'm feeling positive at the moment, even though life is still pretty shit. I'm probably going to fail all my summer exams. I'm fat. I miss my boyfriend and I think I love him more than he loves me. I cant bare to look at myself in the mirror just now. I can't seem to get any sleep and I'm exhausted.
And I'm sitting here fantasising about cupcakes =|... FuckMyLife..

But on the plus side .. aw fuck who am I kidding..
I'm just going to get on with it.
I was so close to binging today, but I resisted :)
I think If I can get over the initial days going from big eating to my normal routine I will be fine. The first 3 days are always the hardest.
I just seem to find my mind all tangled up with icing, sugar, and gorgeous sweetness.. Just when I'm bored.
Waiting on the 'boyfriend' to call or text or JUST SPEAK TO ME! :(

Ill just keep fantasising just now. :)


Today- 160 kcals

I'm back, faithful again.. I promise.
I will be gorgeous for summer.
I feel positive about it this time.

Today- 140 cals
Current weight- 9 stone(58kg)

Looks arnt everything, but you cant wank over personality ;)

Love Panda x

I never learn.. Me and alcohol were never a good pair. I dont quite know what it is but I lose all self-control and let all the truth pour out.

Saw my one of my ex's the other night, he poured his heart out telling me he loved me. Thank god it wasnt the ex I was in 'love' with. One of my previous friends, whom I had a past with, came onto me, while I was drunk. I know I wasnt happy, I didnt have sex with him. I cried told everyone I needed to go home because I needed to hurt myself. I was a total mess. Embarrassingly pathetic.
When I got home, I called my boyfriend who is on holiday in another country atm, crying my eyes out telling him yet again I just wanted to die. Told my parents alot of my worries too. Then I never got out of bed the next day. Because I couldnt face the world. I think I freaked out because I felt myself slipping back, back to the drugs, alcohol, sex and it scared me. Drink is the main thing I cannot say no to.
Thought my boyfriend was going to leave me, after he told me he couldnt deal with any of this. I spoke to him on the phone for hours and sorted things out. I think im lucky this time and things are going to fall appart if I dont pull myself together.
I hate being the embarrassing, ugly person who cant control themselves.
No more of this.

Today hasnt been bad, eating wise, havnt done much else though.
Just catching up with my tan on the beach.
Not in a great mood. First off Ive not actually heard from 'boyfriend' in a while and im the one always txting him first and only get short replies :( maybe he just needs space. Got ditched by my supposed best guy friend for his girlfriend, whom I strongly dislike. Ughh fuck everyone.

Creme eggs, hot chocolate, mars bars, ahhh. I just keep reminding myself, tanned, thin, tonned body :)
Once I look good everything else will just fall into place. Right... Hopefully.

Sorry ive not posted in a while, been at home.
Im bored, not left the house in days and ive been eating so much.
Weighed myself today, 55 kilos. Not as bad as I thought, but still need to get back on track. The hoiday is now over, well my food holiday.
I need to start writing down everything I eat again. It seems to really help me.

Appart from that, my ex has been speaking to me, and I know I shouldnt answer. I promised my boyfriend I wouldnt, but I cant seem to help it. Its not that I miss him, or want him back. Even tho he says he still 'loves' me. Ive moved on. I just seem to like to know how he is, and want answers to things. And I shouldnt. And I know I shouldnt break my boyfriends trust, he doesnt deserve to be hurt, he doesnt trust people easily and if I break it, thats it, gone for good. I shouldnt risk that.
But im not really doing anything wrong? Its just talking??

Past week Ive been noticing the fat creeping back on me. especially my legs.
Not acceptable. And I always do this!!
I fuck up, get back on track, do well. Then fuck up again!
Cleary I am not trying hard enough and need to stop being weak.
Rest of the holiday I will be good. No slip ups.
NO easter eggs, just coffee. :)

xx Love Panda