Wow..

My view on love:
When I was younger I thought I would fall in love, that it was only a matter of time,
that it would happen and when it did it would be the best thing in the world.
That all my problems would seem to disappear and we would do anything in the world just to see each other smile.
I thought love was all about doing anything in your power for the other person no matter what pain it cause you. That you would understand what ever the other person was going through and support them, that you would never try and change them. Make them into a better person so that you can tolerate them. That there are arguments every second day, over the smallest thing. When you walk out on each other because you cant stand to think the other person is right. That you feel as if you need to try and prove you have changed and that it is still never good enough. That's reality..
Being trapped and caught in the middle of everything all your life. That the world just seems to be against you and its just waiting for you to give in.
I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared of destroying what I have anymore.
Nothing seems to go right and I feel myself disintegrating each day.

Was my boyfriends birthday today, was had a shouting match yesterday, and tonight he left me, in the flat on my own breaking my heart. He said he cant deal with this anymore, the arguments over small things and he needed to breathe. I feel really anxious and unstable right now. I wont be able to sleep tonight. I dont know what to do.

Yesterday was my first day back on track and I'm ok.. not great but okayyy.
I need to buy myself some scales. I find smoking really helps actually.
My birthday soon (Sunday) :/ should be interesting. My mum will be flying back to the UK to see me. My boyfriends birthday is two days before mine too. I hope there wont be any fights but who am I kidding. My mum goes on to my boyfriend about how he ruined my life and she will never forgive him. While she can turn to me and say all I need now is a baby and that I live in a drug world, while I'm not even on drugs and I don't want a baby right now, I'm at college and I want to make something of myself.
Oh well I'm prepared for the worst.
Oh and another thing that's making me so upset.. Ive now got stretch marks, since Ive put on so much weight. :( I want them to go away! They are on my bum and thighs. Its awful.

Thanks for your comments :) made me smile yesterday.

I suppose see with not eating, the frame of mind, its always going to be there in the back of your mind. the guilty conscience of over eating.The struggle of hunger, but the comfort of pain. The support of people who see the world in a similar colour to you. And I miss it. I cant wait to be myself again! :)

Love x

Hello all.
Just looking for any suggestions on how I can gain my willpower back
Anyone have ideas on how to start back to my previous diet after I have been over eating for months? Because I know if i dive straight into it I wont be able to last long. I need a slow introduction. If that makes any sense :P

Thanks, Panda x

SO here's my explanation, so far..

I left home.. before I finished school..
My parents disowned me..
This is my story ..

I was at boarding school since I was 13. I hated it, I went through my highs and lows. Where my lows were getting worse and worse as you can probably tell from my previous posts, my parents turned a blind eye to the majority of these times. And I thought I cant take this anymore and I packed my bags and left this summer. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mum. Started college doing a beauty course, eventually now me and my boyfriend have got our own place.
And during all of this the fights between my family and boyfriend have got increasingly more challenging. Ive gained more weight than I ever thought I could.
And I need to pick up all the pieces and keep living.

So there I have shed a bit of light on my life and .. well I feel slightly scared of it. Well writing it here.
But I will carry on and keep riding out the storm.

So far today.. hot chocolate and one cup of soup... FAT FAT FAT FAT...
thats all I feel.. fat.

I'm still here.. Missing the old me.. well miss the drugs and party.. now Ive got responsibilities.. and people keep seeming to be piling more on... Ive not got much to really say, sorry. Other than fruit only, next two weeks I need to cut back a lot. Then I'm homeeeee, summer is here at lassssst. Ive been movie binging instead of food binging.. I was nearly in tears again yesterday, I love the movie kidulthood, just rush...it reminds me of the old me, if you get me? ;) everything I wanted...

Ive been away camping the past few days, I'm in so much pain, my feet are fucked. blisters got infected. can barely walk. So i drank last night which probably didn't help at all, since I'm still a fucking idiot drunk.
So I was awake from 3 in the morning calling my mum, she didn't answer till about 6. I told her how much pain I was in, how I need a break from here, I just want to spend the weekend at 'boyfriends' just put my feet up till Monday, she was having none of it. Said if I 'run away' I can say goodbye to everything and not come back.
:( I just want one fucking weekend rest. She hung up on me, after I was shouting at her calling her names. I kind of lost the plot. Ended up lying on the floor crying my eyes out. Pulled 2 muscles in my legs too which doesn't help either.
'Boyfriend' even called my mum and said he was worried about me.
Why the fuck cant people just let things go, I don't see what the problem is.
I ate a piece of bread when I woke up this morning, fell asleep after fighting with my mum, and woke up at around 5 this evening and I'm still feeling shit..
Oh and I'm on 2 different antidepressants now..
Just had another 2 pieces of break and a hot chocolate... Really not good.

Much love.. :( x

I'm alive.. still here.. fatter than ever..
exams are finally over, thank fuck.
failed them all tho, without a doubt.

Had another awful drunken episode last week. Probably one of the worst so far. I don't feel ready to talk about it yet.. its too... low and pathetic.
Spending weekend with boyfriend again soon. Need to pick myself up for it.
Not been taking my antidepressants recently either, didn't think taking a pill would be so much effort. But then again don't know whether I'm being lazy and have no motivation or its hysteresis of the mind. Fuck knows. Who cares...
either way I'm just a fuck head that is still struggling to make anything of herself.

You see, the thing is, you get beautiful people. Those who strive and never seem to fade. They are those people that are not just beautiful on the outside. But on the inside they do no wrong. Or the wrong they do, you would be a maniac to go against. The sort that will always be forgiven and will never make a single mistake that pushes them too far..
Then you get the people like me.. fuck heads. Those who just arnt..

Sorry, reason Ive not been writing.. I make no sense :S .. will carry on trying to find the words..
Other than that food is back on track as of exams being over.

Love Panda x

First off im sorry for the last post.. Pathetic and embarrassing.. I guess its the real me showing through. Desperate. Week and selfish.... I broke down to people I shouldnt have again. I didnt even cut myself and I still want to.. I just cant stand myself.. Like hate everything.. Its mainly all anger tho.. Like I dont get upset anymore its just frustration. I cant even find the right words.. I cant even trust myself,its poisoning me slowly.. Its spreading.. through my veins and taking over everything.. Creeping up and hurting all the people I love and I cant stop it. The only way to get rid of it is to get rid of myself. And I know I probably dont even make sense and I seem like an utter freak.. But im just fucked... Just I dont want to hurt anymore :(

im druhnk ... hurt and wna hurt myself... i hate evything .. fml... and why the fuck is everything so hard... i dont wna wake up 2mro

Been a good day :)boring tho.. I'm really going to fail my exams, well do shit without a doubt. Iv done no work. Well I have but not enough.
My mind seems to be else where, but I'm not feeling anything if that makes sense..
And I swear since these antidepressants have had effect, Ive had nothing to write about.. Well no fierce emotions like I have felt before.. And I don't know if that's a good thing.. Its a bit boring to be honest. But at least I'm surviving! And no one is on my back for my eating!
Holiday coming up soon too.. I need to focus and try motivate myself even more so I don't mess up.
Just spent past hours looking at thinspo.. Literally hours.. repetitive clicking of a button.. But I guess that's better than repetitive chewing..
I'm living off liquids and fruit at the moment.. and no eating past 6. So far today Ive had a banana, 2 apples and an orange :)
I'm loving tea at the moment too.. my obsession for coffee seems to have faded which is quite odd... Jesus I feel like such a boring old fart... I'm talking about shit, or not talking at all.. What has happened to me!!? Sorry for the lack of personality lately :( Hope you are all keeping well!

Love always Panda x

Fed up of fighting and trying my hardest for things that just don't seem to ever happen, or your never good enough.. How people want you to be theirs but they want to change everything about you! Its like why the fuck do you want me to begin with!
How out try so hard to please people and in the end they are never satisfied, So you just think what the fuck would happen if you didn't try to begin with.. Maybe people wouldn't expect so much, so you wouldn't be that much of a let down..
I'm tired of it.. Why try so hard.. =@ and I'm really struggling to find the motivation to lose weight as well.. No motivation to write .. No motivation for anything..

fuck.

He left me. But didnt. I havnt eaten all day. I cried. I feel alone.

Good day food wise. Feel like shit on the other hand, still.
got nothing to really say :( I feel so alone.
Im sorry.
I just want to cry.

Love Panda

Today has been a pretty good day. I'm feeling positive at the moment, even though life is still pretty shit. I'm probably going to fail all my summer exams. I'm fat. I miss my boyfriend and I think I love him more than he loves me. I cant bare to look at myself in the mirror just now. I can't seem to get any sleep and I'm exhausted.
And I'm sitting here fantasising about cupcakes =|... FuckMyLife..

But on the plus side .. aw fuck who am I kidding..
I'm just going to get on with it.
I was so close to binging today, but I resisted :)
I think If I can get over the initial days going from big eating to my normal routine I will be fine. The first 3 days are always the hardest.
I just seem to find my mind all tangled up with icing, sugar, and gorgeous sweetness.. Just when I'm bored.
Waiting on the 'boyfriend' to call or text or JUST SPEAK TO ME! :(

Ill just keep fantasising just now. :)


Today- 160 kcals

I'm back, faithful again.. I promise.
I will be gorgeous for summer.
I feel positive about it this time.

Today- 140 cals
Current weight- 9 stone(58kg)

Looks arnt everything, but you cant wank over personality ;)

Love Panda x

I never learn.. Me and alcohol were never a good pair. I dont quite know what it is but I lose all self-control and let all the truth pour out.

Saw my one of my ex's the other night, he poured his heart out telling me he loved me. Thank god it wasnt the ex I was in 'love' with. One of my previous friends, whom I had a past with, came onto me, while I was drunk. I know I wasnt happy, I didnt have sex with him. I cried told everyone I needed to go home because I needed to hurt myself. I was a total mess. Embarrassingly pathetic.
When I got home, I called my boyfriend who is on holiday in another country atm, crying my eyes out telling him yet again I just wanted to die. Told my parents alot of my worries too. Then I never got out of bed the next day. Because I couldnt face the world. I think I freaked out because I felt myself slipping back, back to the drugs, alcohol, sex and it scared me. Drink is the main thing I cannot say no to.
Thought my boyfriend was going to leave me, after he told me he couldnt deal with any of this. I spoke to him on the phone for hours and sorted things out. I think im lucky this time and things are going to fall appart if I dont pull myself together.
I hate being the embarrassing, ugly person who cant control themselves.
No more of this.