Wow..

*
* feel sick. *

Hate everything, why am I always such a fucking idiot. I want someone to hit me till I'm black and blue.


I know I shouldn't drink.
When I drink I talk. When I talk I say everything, pour my heart out. Cut myself.
People talk and go behind your back and theres nothing you can do to fix it.
Feel disgusting and embarrassed.

Told my boyfriend on the phone last night that I thought it was my time, I just want to die.
He begged me not to do anything stupid.

I want to breakup with him because I love him, and he deserves so much better. If that makes sense..
I had to go out for dinner last night, ate 2 pieces of chicken smothered in jackdaniels sauce.. Not a good idea after drinking. I didn't even like it that much.
I just sat there and tried to eat as much as I could, I just wanted to look and feel normal.
DISGUSTING fat bitch.
I got up to leave and threw up:( in front of everyone :'( ..
I just want to stay in bed all day and hide from the world.
I want to stop speaking.
I just want to just be alone :'(

I don't want to be myself anymore. Don't want to breathe.
After telling my 'boyfriend' that I couldn't do this anymore and cried down the phone asking for him to just tell me what to do, how to end it. FuckFuckFuck I was so drunk. And thing is he is so supportive and I'm so selfish.. One of his friends killed themselves last year and theres me being so fucking inconsiderate.. I think I made him really upset. I txt him this morning saying sorry, and he was still so kind to me.
So last night after the call ended, I lay holding my breath for as long as I could. Cried. Cut.

I have to see the doctor on Wednesday, I want to ask for some antidepressants. I don't know if that's good or bad, because I don't think I deserve to feel okay. I just don't want to embarrass and hurt people anymore. They are better off without me. I'm not about to go and kill myself because that would hurt them even more and I couldn't do that.. Not to the guy I love.. I just couldn't.

Just want to scream as loud as I can, want to scream and cry till I can't find the energy anymore.

Weighed myself this morning, 51 kilos, 112.4 lbs.. Nearly blacked out in the shower.. had to sit down for a few minutes to adjust.

I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore, other that I hate myself.

<3