Wow..

So far today.. hot chocolate and one cup of soup... FAT FAT FAT FAT...
thats all I feel.. fat.

I'm still here.. Missing the old me.. well miss the drugs and party.. now Ive got responsibilities.. and people keep seeming to be piling more on... Ive not got much to really say, sorry. Other than fruit only, next two weeks I need to cut back a lot. Then I'm homeeeee, summer is here at lassssst. Ive been movie binging instead of food binging.. I was nearly in tears again yesterday, I love the movie kidulthood, just rush...it reminds me of the old me, if you get me? ;) everything I wanted...

Ive been away camping the past few days, I'm in so much pain, my feet are fucked. blisters got infected. can barely walk. So i drank last night which probably didn't help at all, since I'm still a fucking idiot drunk.
So I was awake from 3 in the morning calling my mum, she didn't answer till about 6. I told her how much pain I was in, how I need a break from here, I just want to spend the weekend at 'boyfriends' just put my feet up till Monday, she was having none of it. Said if I 'run away' I can say goodbye to everything and not come back.
:( I just want one fucking weekend rest. She hung up on me, after I was shouting at her calling her names. I kind of lost the plot. Ended up lying on the floor crying my eyes out. Pulled 2 muscles in my legs too which doesn't help either.
'Boyfriend' even called my mum and said he was worried about me.
Why the fuck cant people just let things go, I don't see what the problem is.
I ate a piece of bread when I woke up this morning, fell asleep after fighting with my mum, and woke up at around 5 this evening and I'm still feeling shit..
Oh and I'm on 2 different antidepressants now..
Just had another 2 pieces of break and a hot chocolate... Really not good.

Much love.. :( x

I'm alive.. still here.. fatter than ever..
exams are finally over, thank fuck.
failed them all tho, without a doubt.

Had another awful drunken episode last week. Probably one of the worst so far. I don't feel ready to talk about it yet.. its too... low and pathetic.
Spending weekend with boyfriend again soon. Need to pick myself up for it.
Not been taking my antidepressants recently either, didn't think taking a pill would be so much effort. But then again don't know whether I'm being lazy and have no motivation or its hysteresis of the mind. Fuck knows. Who cares...
either way I'm just a fuck head that is still struggling to make anything of herself.

You see, the thing is, you get beautiful people. Those who strive and never seem to fade. They are those people that are not just beautiful on the outside. But on the inside they do no wrong. Or the wrong they do, you would be a maniac to go against. The sort that will always be forgiven and will never make a single mistake that pushes them too far..
Then you get the people like me.. fuck heads. Those who just arnt..

Sorry, reason Ive not been writing.. I make no sense :S .. will carry on trying to find the words..
Other than that food is back on track as of exams being over.

Love Panda x

First off im sorry for the last post.. Pathetic and embarrassing.. I guess its the real me showing through. Desperate. Week and selfish.... I broke down to people I shouldnt have again. I didnt even cut myself and I still want to.. I just cant stand myself.. Like hate everything.. Its mainly all anger tho.. Like I dont get upset anymore its just frustration. I cant even find the right words.. I cant even trust myself,its poisoning me slowly.. Its spreading.. through my veins and taking over everything.. Creeping up and hurting all the people I love and I cant stop it. The only way to get rid of it is to get rid of myself. And I know I probably dont even make sense and I seem like an utter freak.. But im just fucked... Just I dont want to hurt anymore :(

im druhnk ... hurt and wna hurt myself... i hate evything .. fml... and why the fuck is everything so hard... i dont wna wake up 2mro

Been a good day :)boring tho.. I'm really going to fail my exams, well do shit without a doubt. Iv done no work. Well I have but not enough.
My mind seems to be else where, but I'm not feeling anything if that makes sense..
And I swear since these antidepressants have had effect, Ive had nothing to write about.. Well no fierce emotions like I have felt before.. And I don't know if that's a good thing.. Its a bit boring to be honest. But at least I'm surviving! And no one is on my back for my eating!
Holiday coming up soon too.. I need to focus and try motivate myself even more so I don't mess up.
Just spent past hours looking at thinspo.. Literally hours.. repetitive clicking of a button.. But I guess that's better than repetitive chewing..
I'm living off liquids and fruit at the moment.. and no eating past 6. So far today Ive had a banana, 2 apples and an orange :)
I'm loving tea at the moment too.. my obsession for coffee seems to have faded which is quite odd... Jesus I feel like such a boring old fart... I'm talking about shit, or not talking at all.. What has happened to me!!? Sorry for the lack of personality lately :( Hope you are all keeping well!

Love always Panda x