Saturday, 20 November 2010


My view on love:
When I was younger I thought I would fall in love, that it was only a matter of time,
that it would happen and when it did it would be the best thing in the world.
That all my problems would seem to disappear and we would do anything in the world just to see each other smile.
I thought love was all about doing anything in your power for the other person no matter what pain it cause you. That you would understand what ever the other person was going through and support them, that you would never try and change them. Make them into a better person so that you can tolerate them. That there are arguments every second day, over the smallest thing. When you walk out on each other because you cant stand to think the other person is right. That you feel as if you need to try and prove you have changed and that it is still never good enough. That's reality..
Being trapped and caught in the middle of everything all your life. That the world just seems to be against you and its just waiting for you to give in.
I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared of destroying what I have anymore.
Nothing seems to go right and I feel myself disintegrating each day.

Friday, 12 November 2010

alone again

Was my boyfriends birthday today, was had a shouting match yesterday, and tonight he left me, in the flat on my own breaking my heart. He said he cant deal with this anymore, the arguments over small things and he needed to breathe. I feel really anxious and unstable right now. I wont be able to sleep tonight. I dont know what to do.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Yesterday was my first day back on track and I'm ok.. not great but okayyy.
I need to buy myself some scales. I find smoking really helps actually.
My birthday soon (Sunday) :/ should be interesting. My mum will be flying back to the UK to see me. My boyfriends birthday is two days before mine too. I hope there wont be any fights but who am I kidding. My mum goes on to my boyfriend about how he ruined my life and she will never forgive him. While she can turn to me and say all I need now is a baby and that I live in a drug world, while I'm not even on drugs and I don't want a baby right now, I'm at college and I want to make something of myself.
Oh well I'm prepared for the worst.
Oh and another thing that's making me so upset.. Ive now got stretch marks, since Ive put on so much weight. :( I want them to go away! They are on my bum and thighs. Its awful.

Thanks for your comments :) made me smile yesterday.

I suppose see with not eating, the frame of mind, its always going to be there in the back of your mind. the guilty conscience of over eating.The struggle of hunger, but the comfort of pain. The support of people who see the world in a similar colour to you. And I miss it. I cant wait to be myself again! :)

Love x

Saturday, 6 November 2010


Hello all.
Just looking for any suggestions on how I can gain my willpower back
Anyone have ideas on how to start back to my previous diet after I have been over eating for months? Because I know if i dive straight into it I wont be able to last long. I need a slow introduction. If that makes any sense :P

Thanks, Panda x

Thursday, 4 November 2010


SO here's my explanation, so far..

I left home.. before I finished school..
My parents disowned me..
This is my story ..

I was at boarding school since I was 13. I hated it, I went through my highs and lows. Where my lows were getting worse and worse as you can probably tell from my previous posts, my parents turned a blind eye to the majority of these times. And I thought I cant take this anymore and I packed my bags and left this summer. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mum. Started college doing a beauty course, eventually now me and my boyfriend have got our own place.
And during all of this the fights between my family and boyfriend have got increasingly more challenging. Ive gained more weight than I ever thought I could.
And I need to pick up all the pieces and keep living.

So there I have shed a bit of light on my life and .. well I feel slightly scared of it. Well writing it here.
But I will carry on and keep riding out the storm.

Monday, 28 June 2010

So far today.. hot chocolate and one cup of soup... FAT FAT FAT FAT...
thats all I feel.. fat.

Thursday, 24 June 2010


I'm still here.. Missing the old me.. well miss the drugs and party.. now Ive got responsibilities.. and people keep seeming to be piling more on... Ive not got much to really say, sorry. Other than fruit only, next two weeks I need to cut back a lot. Then I'm homeeeee, summer is here at lassssst. Ive been movie binging instead of food binging.. I was nearly in tears again yesterday, I love the movie kidulthood, just reminds me of the old me, if you get me? ;) everything I wanted...