Monday, 22 March 2010
Holidays soon. three weeks a home. Not looking forward to it one bit.
I'm actually dreading it. I'm going to stay at home and avoid everyone.
I need to revise for my exams. Parents will be trying to control everything as well, which I can't deal with.
I seem to be so tired these days, probably the antidepressants. Today I have been good so far, I will not be fat.
Spoke to one of my old, close friends and as horrible as it sounds it reminded me of how much I want to leave the past behind. I don't want to go home because I don't want to see any of them. But I suppose it will all come to an end one day. When I can make decisions myself. I would have thought by now I could have but...
Spain maybe... Italy, nice warm weather.. New people, a new start.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Disconnecting myself from the world.
I got up this morning and felt okay..
Had a cappuccino, some cereal.
Started to feel a bit panicked about things so, I missed my lecture, which I will be in trouble for. Called my dad, who didn't really help... So then I spoke to my boyfriend which made matters worse because I don't know what to tell him is wrong with me. So he is annoyed with me and told me to text him when I'm going to stop shutting him out. My mum then called and broke the news that my teachers contacted her, saying that I'm not on top of things, so that was another row on the phone.
I might just go back to bed. No motivation to work, or do anything with my life.
I'm going to try and do a liquid fast starting tomorrow.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
My ex got in touch with me, after me ignoring his emails for months. We spoke. My ex, that I was seeing for 3 years. My ex that I wanted to spend my life with. My junky ex, that had a baby before he was with me. My pathetic ex that called me a slut, and said he was scared I would kill myself if he left me.
My charming ex wants me back.
I said no. I told him I didn't love him anymore.
I can't help but think in the back of my mind, 'what if'.
So many questions. Why did he leave me? What if we were still together? How has he been without me??
Should I still love him?
I binged yesterday, and the day before. I wanted to spend this weekend with my current boyfriend, whom I do love with all my heart. But That fucked up..
So I'm about to binge today, about to go get a snickers, to comfort eat and I feel disgusting already...
I caught sight of my legs in the mirror and I cant believe they are actually mine.
Short, thick, wobbly stumps.
And the sad thing is, right now I feel like there's no fucking point in stopping myself eating, I'm always going to stay the same, I'm pathetic...
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Apparently I live in a fairytale,....
according to my boyfriend, my parents, my sister, friends and the rest of the world.
Who all seem to think I imagine all of these fabulous events going on around me and all these obstacles to cross, but none of them are good let alone real.
They go on at me, about why I can't just stop, just be grateful with what I have and make the most of myself.
I am trying. I'm trying to fix all the little things, one step at a time.
I know there are problems, they are there.
I feel disgusting, like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. Ive not lost anymore weight.
I have no idea who I am right now so how the fuck am I meant to know who I want to be in the future.
Today- far too much cereal, 4 apples.
took laxatives and fiber tablets.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
I stayed at his. He loved me. He held my hand. We fell asleep. He never let go.
I was normal..
Now we are apart I realised just how I was letting myself slip into lack of control.
Weight has to be lost.
I'm on antidepressants now, hope they go well.
My stomach is disgusting from all the food Ive been eating, I don't even want to think about it. But as of tomorrow, its on, no more being a push over and giving in.
My house is an utter mess which makes me feel even more out of control.
Today Ive had far too much cereal, not good at all. I hate holidays, they arnt supposed to be called holidays, things shouldn't all relax! 8)
But it was really strange I got back after the weekend, weighed myself straight away, was 53 kilos, no where near as bad as I thought it would be, but nowhere near good enough.
I will make it, eventually.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Monday, 8 March 2010
I am officially not looking forward to this weekend. I'm so stressed, my boyfriend wants me to stay over and my parents are going crazy at the idea, reminding me boys can't get pregnant but I can.
I have no idea what to do..
I wish everything was simple.
I need a flawless plan. Otherwise I'm just going to stick my ground and tell them I'm going and that's that!
Or I could just back down and be stuck alone.. Hmm.
Doctors again on soon, hopefully this one will be better.
Ive not been good the past few days, major binging and i need to pull my act together if I'm going to see him this weekend. Fuckfuckfuck, I really can't deal with this.
My parents treating me like a child, it is so embarrassing. grr..
If I stayed at his there would be 'rules' my parents would 'enforce', basically no sex, physical contact or being alone together.
They know I'm not a sweet, innocent little virgin. Fuck knows why they are still trying. Fuck sake tho, I'm old enough. I wish they would JUST GIVE UP, I'm not going to listen.
My mum likes to think that she knows best and they control every little bit of my life. I don't even live with them. I can't stand them.
Sadly though, my boyfriend thinks that I should be nice and listen to them and maybe they will listen to me. Which I know is NOT going to happen, I never win.
I can't seem to have a conversation with her anymore, it ends with name calling, me hanging up the phone. Our calls consist of threats, screaming, verbal abuse and yet more screaming. I don't know whats best, cause I can't seem to bite my tongue and take it, and yet I still don't do what I want.
I really want to get a new piercing or a tattoo. I have my nipples done and I used to have others but I took them out due to my pathetic parents having an OMG!MYDAUGHTER'SEVIL hissy fits. Boyfriend doesn't like piercings :(.
I don't know why I always do what other people want, I think its cause I'm scared, and I don't want to upset them :(.
I don't know what to doooo :( I'm panicking, want someone to just tell me what to do, cause I'm stressing and I'll end up fucking everything up.
Maybe I should just spend the weekend alone :(
Friday, 5 March 2010
Don't know why I fucking bother!
I'm so angry with everything! =@
hate my parents. HATE myself. hate everyone else.
Went to the doctor today, fucking idiots, honestly! I was waiting for months to get help for my anxiety and depression and they basically tell me to wait another few weeks for another appointment with someone else =@
I want to cry and scream, and cry till i don't have the energy anymore.
Why the FUCK is everything so shit all the time, why can't it just be good for once!
And to make it even better Ive just run out of money on my phone, can't put more on, can't talk to my boyfriend.
My stupid parents fault, for sending me away, means I can't see him, they are the reason I feel the way I do and then they go and make me feel bad about not coping with things. =@ :'(
Ive lost the weight I put on, I'm back to 53 kilos and I feel even worse. I'm disgusting and I can't stand this. I'm so angry and I can't help but cry. I don't know what to do.
I want to run away from everything. I cant even find the words to explain what I feel.
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
* I want to get as far away from here as possible
* To be with the love of my life
* I want to get rid of the past
* Shut out all the bad people
* I want to get rid of the past
* To stop the pain
* I want to be a new person
* To make people love me
* I want to be thin.
I'm running and running, trying to reach the end.
I'm not even close.
Everyone is passing me. I'm falling behind.
Too behind to salvage any chance of winning.